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This guys is the best Amazon reviewer ever!

This guys is the best Amazon reviewer ever!

James O. Thatch has reviewed 31 different products on Amazon.com He offers his opinion of a wide range of products, from $40,000 TV to a giant gummy snake. He even goes in updates some his reviews and replies to people who have left comments. 

Here are some examples of his reviews.

Giant Gummy Snake, in Sour Apple/Blue Raspberry

Hello from Denver, Colorado, the mile high city--mile high and rising. Since our state's recent legislative session, I've been cruising at altitude with no plans for landing. It's been pretty awesome. I've rediscovered my music collection, connected with some old friends on Facebook, and found a fantastic Italian restaurant that delivers. I don't know what's up with the Polar Vortex, but in my place it's cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

On the downside, I've gained about 10 pounds. Last night I wolfed down this entire Giant Gummy Snake. I'd bought it as a joke, because my roommate Chaz has a pet python. I thought it was going to be hilarious, but when it arrived, I couldn't remember what the joke was supposed to be. So I put it on a shelf and forgot about it. Until last night, when I got the munchies and macked down on that thing hard. I polished it off in one sitting. So here's my review.

First of all, it has a very realistic feel to it, the way it flops around when you eat it. It was crunchier than I was expecting. And kind of salty, too, which was weird. I thought it was supposed to be "blue raspberry" or something, but it tasted more like chicken. It looked real, like Chaz's snake over there, only not as blue and shiny. Wait. Oh God.

Tanita TBF 300 A TBF300 A TBF 300A Pro Body Composition Analyzer

I'll admit, when I saw a scale for $2,275, I was skeptical. Two grand for a scale? Say what?

But this is no ordinary scale--it's the Tanita TBF-300 BMI Machine. I'd assumed BMI meant "Body Mass Index"--a measurement of your fat/lean muscle ratio. As useful as this information is, you can get BMI scales for $100-200. But in this case, "BMI" stands for Biometric Marital Interpolator, a different technology altogether. Tanita developed BMI specifically for couples, to help you lose weight without losing the love of your life.

Let me explain how it works. Through sophisticated foot sensors, this scale monitors your blood pressure as you look at your weight, and adjusts the number accordingly. No more ugly surprises after the holidays or post-vacation scale-shock. The TBF-300 gently eases you and your partner back into reality.

It also has facial recognition software, so the scale can respond to your moods, not the other way around. The other day, I heard my wife in the bathroom say, "What the...? Oh, whew. Better." Better indeed--for both of us. 85% of morning fights are actually misdirected scale rage.

If the TBF-300 did only what I've already described, it would be worth it. But here's why it's a bargain. It also has an intelligent voice-activated interface function that makes Siri look like--well, frankly, like Siri.

Say your wife asks, "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

You might say something like, "Well, no, not really, I mean..." and pretty soon you'd be sleeping on the couch.

How does the TBF-300 respond? "Hell no, baby. You just got more badonk than those skinny-ass jeans can handle--and that's on them. Go eat some ice cream, you big beautiful woman. I want to watch you walk away."

Now does it seem expensive?

Please note that the feedback is gender-specific. In order to maintain program integrity, the software treats males with brutal candor. For instance, when I recently asked the TBF-300 if I was getting a little heavy, it replied, "For a human? Yes. For a hippo, you're perfect. Now step off and let me breathe. Jesus. What DIDN'T you have for breakfast..." and so on, until I removed its batteries.

Still, it's worth it. So worth it.

You want to read more from James? Click here to check out his other reviews.

 

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